Hideaway

So much has happened these past 16 years since you’ve been gone, and so much more will happen in the future, but you won’t be here to share it with us. It’s really hard thinking that you can’t see us grow, that you couldn’t be here helping us and supporting us when we needed support.

You know, our youngest brown-eyed-angel is a little lady now, she still looks a lot like you, and she writes about you all the time, even though she doesn’t know how it was when you were still here. She misses you; you have no idea how much. She is a remarkably smart little girl in so many ways, you would’ve been so proud of the young girl she has become.

Your little favorite is pretty much still the same, you know. Quiet but rebellious, quite like your own little sister. Remember how you always worried about auntie, well you would’ve worried even more about your little rebel, believe me. But she’s still amazing, hardworking and so caring, a lot like you. In so many ways she’s the image of you.

Mom’s doing okay, I guess. What can I say, she’s finally happy, I think, but still afraid of happyness because of you. You see she feels bad about being happy without you. She tells me all the time how she regrets never really telling you how much you meant to her. But you know her, she’s complicated when it comes to feelings, but still I hope you knew how much she loved you and how much she still loves you. You are, were and forever will be the love of her life, dad. She’s happy and sad at the same time, and it’s not fair, she should be enjoying her life, at least from now. But she kind of feels bad about her remarriage, because, to her, it’s like stabbing you in the back. She needs peace, but she’ll never find it, until she finds the truth about you. I guess we all feel that way, something will forever be missing until the day we find you and the truth.

Me, well I’m doing fine, I think. Not really sure what to tell you. Mostly when I think of you I remember the last time I saw you. That image is forever taped to my brain, and then comes the burning house and the tears I cried that first year, while looking for you. At that time I just couldn’t understand why you were the only one never returning, while everybody else came back at some point. It was so unfair and it still is, because you’re still gone.

I often sit and wonder about what life would’ve been like with you around. And if you would’ve liked the person I have become. You see, even though you were never there to see me, I’ve always worked so hard to become a person you would’ve been proud of calling your daughter. I was always trying to impress somebody, and it took me so long to actually figure out that the sombody I was trying to impress in fact was you, dad. In some ways you were always here, and you always will be. I just wish…   

You know, every year there comes this day, the day that changed everything. For some people this might be a happy day filled with joy and laughter, in my world it’s a dark day, and no matter if something good should happen on this day one year, it will still be overshadowed by the fact, that it’s the day we lost you. And every year it gets harder and harder to get through this day without thinking that another year has gone by, another year without you here, another year and you’re still missing and somewhere out there.

Well dad, I guess, 16 years are a long time, and I don’t even know you at all anymore, but you’re in my thoughts most of the time. Your face is unfortunatly fading away from my memory as the years go by, and not even the pictures can help, because I do not know the person in them, but what I do know is that you’re my dad, my hero and my pride, and you’re with me when I really need you the most.

I will always miss you.

Love always,
Your little girl

(c) Me

(c) Me

Sitting here and thinking of you
Is all I know how to do lately
It has become my new job and life
Always wondering what you might be
Doing and thinking and asking
Myself if you ever stop and think
Of me too

Your smile is with me, even when
You’re far away and it makes me
Smile, just to think of your beautiful face.

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(c) Me